Obscured

The sun is setting on the horizon
colors fading in and out
there's nothing left to view

You called out a name
that wasn't mine
a look of shock
present in your eyes

The darkness obscures my vision

everything has faded to black
the last call 
curtains closed forever 

What once was a rainbow

has turned into a storm cloud

Illuminating

Stranded at the precipice 

I stare into the chasm

of the ocean waves

the depths unfathomable

Eyes guarded from the world

lost and confused

tumbling forward

straight into the unknown 

I fall into the abyss

the waves consuming me

disorienting my senses

sending me adrift

Shivering and numb

I break through 

the darkness fades away

bringing me back to you

Wavering Identity

 The water is deceptively 
deeper
  than it appears 
wavering in and out
on the horizon

Wading further out
    feeling soaked
   broken untethered 

alone 

   Working up the courage
  walking on sharp
     pieces of shattered
         sea shells 
      foamy froth 
     undulating beneath
     
     Separating from the hold
   that was placed
      becoming whole again

         finding my identity

Eclipse

Staggering through the dark

I heard you call to me

desperately searching 

I could not find you. 

Defeated by thoughts

your memory

burns a hole

in my mind. 

The dawn breaks through

clouds streaking

across blue skies

memories escaping out. 

Where did you go?

What did you find?

I lay waiting

left as an afterthought.

You cast a shadow

the doubts creeping in

I tried so hard

only to be forgotten. 

Death of a Gurl

Walking in your shadow

it looms larger than life 

You say I can beat this 

You tell me to fight. 

When it crumbled to pieces 

I could not stand. 

At my darkest hour 

You refused to give me light. 

The mirror became my enemy 

I struggle to exist 

under Your thumb. 

The battle is fraught, 

everyone feels like an adversary. 

You say I can trust You 

You instigated the rage. 

I wish I could murder You 

that would be mercy. 

You lay down your weapons 

I will hang Your noose. 

I will bury You 

You will not be remembered 

You will not be mourned. 

I can stop wishing 

You were never born.

Transformation

Hair getting shorn

finally feel 

like I am coming into my own 

So close 

to tasting testosterone 

That first shot 

is going to be 

my liberation 

free from the shackles 

of being the wrong person 

Imagining my life whole 

flat chest 

the right name 

shirtless on a beach 

my toes cool in the water 

Completely free

Disorientation

I'm floating in the ocean
wave after wave
assaulting my senses
depriving me of breath

What does it mean
to be blue or pink
suffocating from your
fucked up perceptions

Who am I supposed to be?
Forced to be pink
screaming out "I'm blue!"
the ocean drowns out my sorrows

Cyan waters engulf me
suppressing my shouts
disorienting thoughts
dissipate into the sea

The last words die out
on the tip of my tongue
choking on the brine
losing the fight

Fade

You left your mark on me
  the ink on the page is fad i n g  o u t
    drinking the bitter poison
         of my agony

     Your face gleefully shines
      a stark contrast
   compared to mine

Pieces of my heart
 falling apart,
  dodging minefields,
    stepping on shattered glass

   The past is in the past
     You’ve moved on
    I’m still riding
  this wave of e m o t i o n s

So I close the door
  to you

forevermore

Drifting

Drifting in and out of consciousness
the water buoys me
exhaustion starting to take over

The iciness settles into my bones
feeling sodden and sullen
a dead weight in the ocean

The edges of my mind blurring
I spiral out of control
falling into a chasm of drowsiness

I cannot hold out much longer
forcing my leaden lids to stay open
hallucinating salvation

I try to anchor my thoughts
choking on the salt
gasping for air

Just as I have succumbed
my body cold and numb
the tidal waves crash onto the shore
Not adrift anymore

Distance

The firelight dances behind my eyes,
as I smile with elation.
I fight through the pain
of this separation.

The distance stings like sharp knives;
there is pain hidden in your eyes.
I wish you were here by my side;
you occupy all of my thoughts.

These oceans create a divide;
barriers between us we cannot avoid.
I miss you every single day;
without you here I feel destroyed.

I love you more with every text;
you make it hard to even focus.
You leave me feeling perplexed;
You're an elusive enigma.

I imagine our future together;
growing grey and old.
The summers we would spend
laying on the sand and in the water so cold.

-To my Gorgeous Goddess

Found

There are tears in my eyes
knowing I can't have you by my side.
I would cross oceans of blue
just to be with you.

I want to put my fingers through
the ringlets of your curly hair.
You fan the flames of my desire
I need you before I perspire.

You said you didn't really like poetry,
but you tolerated it for me.
I know you still liked my poems
as you stated that they're a piece of me.

I couldn't express myself to you another way
I wanted to let you know that someday I'll be okay.
In a way you'll always be my first
but I know I wasn't your first anything.

Perhaps that's the most devastating of all,
that I lost you before I could even have you.
You found me and saved me from drowning
but even then I could never feel the warmth of your lips.

So I am giving you this piece of me
preserved in this poem.
A part of me will probably always want more
but there's another ocean out there waiting for me.


- Dedicated to Naryenfer

The Hourglass

Time seems to be slipping away,
my words falter.
I'm losing sleep
hidden beneath the agony.

Colors fade to pink and blue
the summer sunset.
The world turns to grey
a storm shining through.

Thunder cracks overhead
lightning streaks across the sky.
Blood stained tears
splash to the ground.

The silence resounds
a thorn pricks my finger.
The streetlights dim
my heart decays.

The sand is gone
I'm out of time.

Dejection

The blood seeps to the floor,
nothing but a gaping wound.
You tore a hole inside me
that I cannot restore.

The deafening silence
surrounds me.
There is no peace
just raging violence.

Another form of rejection,
loneliness my only friend.
You left me cold
with no sense of direction.

I dangle over the edge of the precipice,
the rough waves splashing below.
Jagged rocks along the shore,
Staring into the abyss.

It begins to rain,
in my solitude.
The tides begin to recede
as I wallow in the pain.

Drowning

I drift amongst the waves,
with no destination.
The currents tear me asunder,
the white waves blind me.

Saltwater fills my lungs,
compressing against my chest.
I drown slowly.
The waves drive me,
deeper into the sea.

The water
turns into liquid lava.
A burning sensation
in my throat,
setting me on fire.

The compression
building in my chest.
I can feel myself
going under.
The calming blue
washes into white.

The life I had
soaking away.
One last thing
comes to mind.
All of it
had been a waste of time.

Disappointment

I ventured out into the rain
trying to find clarity.
Searching for an answer
in my disappointment.

I was left with a fogginess
a confusion I couldn't identify.
Walking with no destination
rain slowly pouring on my head.

Passing different buildings
in the wake of darkness.
I find myself lost
with no one.

The stream of tears
fall down my face;
disappearing into the rain
as the sun sets.

I came back
cold and broken.
Just as dazed
as I had started.

To Winter

Winter winds,

shatter through the night.

White snow falls gently,

coating the ground.

We set up a fake tree,

ornaments are hung up.

Lights twinkling from the branches,

paired with Christmas tunes.

The first day of winter break,

We rent scary movies.

The paranoia sets in,

making me feel restless.

I imagine that the killer

is coming for me,

I am sure of it.

I think I can hear footsteps,

creaking slowly up the stairs.

I step out of my room,

the wind pounds against the door.

The Christmas lights glowing

from the branches of the tree.

The tunes no longer cheerful

they play ominously

adding to my fear.

The rest of winter I spend

bundled by the fire,

listening to the crackling.

An old book in hand,

the weathered yellow pages,

crinkles coarsely between my fingers.

The smell of the fire,

singes my nostrils.

The warmth overwhelming,

comforting from the cold.

The sweet taste of hot cocoa,

lingers on the tip of my tongue.

The Journey

Rain hitting against the windshield,

droplets looking like tiny specks of sperm

racing across the window aimlessly.

Travelling past the pastures and the fields,

the signs reflecting back on the slick wet road.

The heir of a dog driving with no destination,

over 90 miles an hour on an empty highway.

The cigarette dangles loosely from his lips.

Plumes of smoke drifting through his airways,

He flicks the rest of the butt outside.

He lights up another one,

after a few drags,

it breaks like a cheap condom.

“Shit!” He shouts in frustration,

“Worthless fucking fags”

He tosses it out on the street.

He takes out his bottle of brandy,

Taking a swig

he swishes it around his mouth,

letting it linger on his tongue.

The acrid taste of the acid,

helping him to forget

the mistakes he’s made.

The alcohol numbing his senses,

his thoughts scattered like the sparse stars.

He breaks down,

the tears blurring his vision.

He is left with bruises and scars,

he curses her, himself and his existence.

He lets it all go. 

Alone

Left with nowhere to go,

no place to call home.

I travel through the night,

in the streets of New York.

Familiar faces,

forgotten thoughts.

A digression,

from what I wanted to say.

The alcohol sets in,

bleary and broken.

An enigma,

I walk amongst shadows.

A failure,

I have no friends.

Only acquaintances,

and past love interests.

I want to run,

make an escape

from this city.

The twinkling lights,

surrounding my sanity.

I digress,

from another school.

In a different environment,
but a similar place. 

To Seasons

Sweltering summer heat,

you can taste the sunset’s colors:

Pink, purple, orange, red, blue,

swirling together.

Cotton candy clouds,

reminders of forgotten fairs.

Colorful sunsets lead to

the changing of the leaves.

Autumn sets in an array of colors:

Red, yellow, purple, brown.

You can hear them,

the leaves crinkling beneath your feet.

The sun sets faster,

Winter has arrived with winds.

At night everything is black,

in the morning it is bathed in white.

You can feel the colors.

The trees stand stripped, broken, and bare.

The bitter cold leads to warmth,

Spring has made an appearance.

A month’s worth of rain,

has led to flowers blooming.

You can smell them:

Yellow, pink, purple, orange, blue, red.

The Room

Four walls washed in white,

My first year of college

A dull dorm room.

Spacious compared to other rooms,

Filled with laughter and fun

A cool roommate.

The overhead light

Makes the room feel like a “prison”,

Her words not mine.

The windows don’t help,

They enhance the idea of imprisonment,

Both of our lamps diminish the idea.

Four walls washed in white,

The color of our personalities

Shape the room and make it better.

My wall has a few poems made by me,

A bunch of yellow sticky notes

Filled with random music lyrics

Written by my roommate.

Her wall has a few movie posters,

Family pictures adorn her side,

The room no longer feels like a prison,
It has become our second home.