The Decision

"You know it's not going to matter what you do?"
"I know, I just wish I knew what that right thing is exactly."
"There is no right and wrong or good and bad in this world. You can only do what's right for you. If anyone has a problem with that, then they can just go and fuck themselves!"
"But, it's a big decision for my future!"
"Yes, but you can't placate everyone's feelings with your decision."
"I know, but my dad really wants me to go to Yale."
"Harvard has always been your dream; you should follow your dream not your fathers! You got into Harvard so you should go."
"If only it were that easy;dad graduated from Yale. He expects me to follow in his footsteps."
"Your dad has barely been in your life as it is. He divorced your mom and didn't give a fuck about you or even try to get custody of you! Why should you care about what he wants? Your mom says that it's a miracle he even paid for the child support."
"Sure my dad hasn't been around that often, but everyone deserves a second chance. I want to feel closer to my father for once."
"A second chance, he doesn't fucking deserve a second chance! The guy makes tons of money as a lawyer and never gave you the time of day while you were growing up. Fuck him and his money! It's time to face the truth dude, he dumped you and your mom for a family of his own."
"That's not true!"
"Really! Well as I recall he has another son, your older stepbrother, what's his name..."
"Brock! His name is Brock."
"Yeah, what kind of a dumb stupid fucking name is that anyway? He replaced you for a more athletic son. You know what your problem is A, you're too fucking nice and forgiving. You need to stop letting people screw you over. First, it was Melanie, what a bitch. She cheated on you with Allen, your so called friend!"
"Ex-friend, thank you very much; well to be fair, Allen liked her before I started dating her."
"There you go again, with the same nice guy shtick that you have. We've been friends for years A, and you need to stop being so god damn nice all the time!"
"Look G, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I don't have it in me to be a mean person."
"I know, but I'm not done with the list of people who've fucked with you. Where was I? Oh right, second you let that Sydney girl use you while trying to get your stepbrother jealous."
"Hey! Sydney told me upfront that she was going to use me and I don't mind being used for casual sex. Besides she was hot, what guy wouldn't want to bang her brains out."
"Yeah, she was really hot, but you don't have to use a cliche when you're talking about having sex with her. And casual sex! What are you kidding me? That wasn't casual, it was planned and you and I both know that!"
"Look it doesn't matter anymore, it's in the past."
"Yeah a past, that you can never escape. It's time you stop doing shit for other people and focus on yourself."
"I know, you're right, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that."
"Yeah, I don't think you'll ever be able to do that either. You've always been that caring type of person. But you could start by going to Harvard."
"Fine, but I'm not breaking the news to dad."
"Well, than I'll do it for you. If that motherfucker still doesn't understand, I'll make him understand."
"Don't do anything too harsh!"'
"I won't, but wait I never finished the list of people who screwed you over."
"Fuck it, we both know listing it out will take a lifetime!"
"Yeah, you're right."

Escape

I dream of a better place,
A place where I can escape.
But I'm stuck here,
Where everything is unclear.
Darkness, doom and despair swarm around me.

Why must I live with this depression?
Is this supposed to teach me a lesson?
Everyone walks on a path of roses,
While I walk on a path of thorns.

Each day is a brand new one;
I walk in the shadows,
Everyone else walks in the golden rays of the sun.
I can see happiness around me,
But why don't I feel happiness as well.
A dark cloud looms over me.

Why do I love the rain?
Why do I yearn for pain?
I welcome the bitter taste of tears that never shed;
I fear to leave the sanctuary of my bed.

I'm tired of waking up everyday,
Pretending that everything's going to be okay.
A fake smile plays upon my lips,
I hope no one can see through it.

I look in the mirror,
And all I see,
Is a stranger staring back at me.
Where is the person that I once knew?
An innocence that I outgrew.

I'm left all alone,
Stripped away of everything I own.
I'm consumed by my depressing thoughts,
And the last thing heard is the sound of a gunshot.

Speech

To be honest, I've never had a favorite speech. I don't want to be cliche and say that I like a speech that everyone knows. For instance, who doesn't like the "I have a dream" speech, by Martin Luther King jr. I also reread the "Give me liberty or give me death" speech, by Patrick Henry and I liked that as well. I've never had a favorite speech because the speeches I've heard always sound so boring and I don't listen to political speeches. I tried desperately to find a speech that I could like, but all of the famous speeches are historical and boring. I know that all of the historical speeches are all important and have made huge impact on society as a whole. I guess I could lie about a favorite speech but I'm not going to do that.

I've heard inspiring speeches from people who came to my high school over the years, but I don't remember any of their names. Those were the speeches I liked because they were motivational. One speech was given to us from a guy who had gotten into a car accident, he had gotten into the car with his friend who was driving while intoxicated. The guy was left paralyzed and in a wheelchair and I thought that was a really good speech in fact I actually think I was on the verge of tears. Another time two homosexual guys gave speeches about how they had grown up with abuse from their parent/guardians. One of the guys came out to his parents and they kicked him out, but his neighbor helped him by letting him stay at his place. Unfortunately the neighbor sexually abused the guy and he was only about eleven or twelve at the time. Both of the guys' lives sounded so fucked up and horrible, I felt so bad for them and I find it hard to believe how negative and narrow minded people can be.

Acceptance

He stumbled through the streets taking his flask out and realizing it was all gone. "You need to stop drinking so much Jared!" Randall yelled with disgust. "Shut the fuck up and give me a cig dude!" Jared yelled back. "Drinking isn't going to erase what happened and neither is smoking," Randall replied, complying with Jared by handing him a cig and lighting it for him. "Look, let's not talk about this right now," Jared replied more calmly with the cig between his teeth.

Jared still recalled the day everything had happened; he had killed a man in cold-blood and nothing he did could change that. The man wasn't supposed to be there and he still couldn't remember how he had gotten a gun in the first place. Jared vaguely remembered finding a gun earlier that day or was it the day before? The days meshed together on account of the drugs he had been abusing. He pulled the trigger without realizing it and killed the man in his intoxicated and incoherent state of mind.

He replayed the incident over and over in his mind with more guilt and depression hitting him in waves. Jared had never been the type of man who did the right things. He had been abusing drugs for years and never cared about his life or anything for that matter. He had lost his parents at a young age to a car accident which had rendered him as an orphan. He virtually had no family and worried that the man he had killed may have had a family of his own.

"I think I'm going to find out about that man's family,"Jared said to Randall. "What! His family would be furious, and besides that you don't even know the man's name and it's been a full year!" yelled Randall with surprise. "Actually, I did some research on the guy after he died and found his name. I just don't know about his family...yet,"said Jared. "Fine, do what you want, but don't say I didn't warn you about how the family would most likely react,"said Randall.

So Jared set out, determined to find the man's family and confront them with the truth. After a long few months of research, Jared finally located the family which consisted of two kids a boy and a girl as well as the guy's wife. The wife name was Denise and the names of the children were Jordan and Cynthia. He came to the house and the wife opened the door. "H-h-hi, my name is J-J-Jared, and I have something very important to tell you about your husband," Jared stammered. "Okay, come on in, I'm sure you must already know that it's been a year since my husband's passing," said Denise with sincerity and a hint of sadness. "Yes, that's actually what I needed to talk to you about," Jared said. As he walked into the living room he saw the children looking up expectantly at him.

He notice a picture-perfect looking family portrait hanging up on the wall above the fireplace; the picture was obviously taken before Jared had killed the patriarch of the family. The man was smiling with his wife and kids and they all looked so happy. The depression hit Jared again as he realized just how much of their lives he had ruined. The family that stood before him now, looked broken and incomplete. Jared had been living with the secret for too long; the family didn't know who had killed their father, until now. He expected the family to get upset and call the cops as he relayed the story to them about what happened that night. However, they forgave him for what happened as he explained that it had been an accident and he had never meant for it to happen.

Jared ended up sharing his own family story about how his parents had died and he had been left alone to fend for himself at an early age. He soon became apart of their family as somewhat of an older brother. He gave up the alcohol and drugs and he was no longer depressed. He felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off of his shoulders and he still couldn't believe they had forgiven him so easily. They said it was the grace of God that he had shown up on their doorstep and told them the truth. God forgives all, so it wasn't hard for them to forgive him as soon as it happened because they realized it had been an accident all along.

Technology Challenge

So I thought about all of the technology I use and the only thing I could give up was my iPod which nearly killed me. Though I didn't listen to my iPod at all yesterday, I still listened to music on my computer; I had to in order to write my soundtrack for the week. Luckily all of the songs I was listening to are not on my iPod so they don't count. My iPod is my form of escape from the rest of the world and without it I was forced to actually look around at my surroundings; I guess you could say it was mind opening, but I don't plan on doing it again. I would have given up my phone, but my phone is my contact home and my mom usually always calls me once a day. I didn't listen to my iPod until I was going to bed which was a good half hour past midnight. I still can't believe I went through a day without my music! I always listen to music before going to bed though and I didn't listen until it was officially Thursday. I feel so proud of myself for actually being able to accomplish that.

Summer of Discontent

I stared at the vast expanse of the ocean laid out before me as I sat on the soft grainy sand. I guess you could say that I'm very grateful to have grown up at a beach house whereas most people come here only when they are vacationing. Every summer I see the same sets of picture perfect families with the set number of two point five children. I never understood the whole idea of having two point five how can you have half a child. I think it's just one of those weird ass analogies people come up with no good reason behind it whatsoever. None the less each family has two children each with both a boy and and a girl; kids I always end up having to babysit. I'm an only child which is pretty awesome sometimes, but other times it can be a drag knowing all of my friends have siblings that they can torture, fight with and hang out with. The children whom I have to babysit always act just as perfect as their parents. They always come dressed nicely for the summer, but they don't hang out in the water as much as you would expect. I offered to teach some of them how to surf, but they refused saying they would drown or something (heaven forbid that ever happen; not!) and their parents always agree.

I'm dreading the end of school and the thoughts of this upcoming summer are plaguing my mind because I know my mom is going to insist that I hang out with those robotic annoying kids again. I can tell you exactly what she's going to say in her usual strict voice, "Josh, you need to make a good impression on those kids. They are only here for the summer, must we always go through the same conversation every summer." She says more stuff about being a good person, but all I hear is "blah, blah, blah," and some more useless shit that I don't care about. Why do parents have to be so annoying all of the time? It's my fuckin' summer and I should be able to spend it however the hell I want! I shouldn't have to babysit those kids every summer (even thinking about it makes me want to vomit), I should be catching waves and hanging out with my friends.

Then it arrived, my summer or should I say their summer because I always have to do what they want and not what I want. "Hey Josh! Long time no see, I really missed you," said Sandra excitedly. Sandra's about a year younger than me, even though I hate having to hang out with the little twerps, I never minded hanging out with Sandra because she was the only one who had started showing interest in surfing and in me. She has always been really pretty and it's like I grew up with her, I had always been a little interested in her as well and she had, shall we say grown up quite nicely, if you know what I mean. Her beautiful cascade of blonde hair fell upon her slender shoulders. Out of all of the kids, she's the closest to my age, so I always ended up talking to her more than the others. I always love hanging out with her, but her little twerp of a brother Sammy always insisted on hanging out with us as well no matter how much we both tried to get away from the other kids. Sammy's real name is actually Samson and I always wondered what kind of parents would brand their son with a name like that, no offense intended towards Sandra's parents of course. Sammy always spiked up his blond hair up with gel, which always made him somehow resemble an evil anti-Christ or the spawn of the devil (but just between you and me he'd probably even be spurned by the devil himself). No doubt he's probably going to have the same trademark hairstyle. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that Sandra and Sammy are even related because he's so evil and she's more like an angel. How could either of them have the same blood coursing through their veins? Thank God, Sandra is nothing like her actual parents because all of the parents here are too into themselves to care about anything or anyone else aside from themselves. Sometimes the parents could care less about their spoiled children or their antics.

Anyways, I digress from my thoughts, let's go back to the present: "Hey Sandra! It's so nice to see you again. I can't believe your the first here, your family is usually always the last to arrive!" I said surprised. "I know, I can't believe it either, usually my parents always have to double check and sometimes even triple check if we're all packed before we can even leave. But this time they were in too much of a hurry to get here, to really care too much about it," Sandra replied with her trademark smirk. "Hey Joshy," said Sammy obnoxiously as he walked up to us (with his trademark hairstyle); he always adds a y at the end of my name always saying that he thinks it's cute, but I think I'm the only person who realizes that he does it on purpose to irk me. "Hey Sammy," I said, but not obnoxiously because I didn't want to upset Sandra. Sandra smiled knowing that I was trying my best to be civil towards her brother, which is a lot harder than it sounds, trust me on that. Sammy looked at me questioningly like I was trying to pull the wool over his eyes by being nice.

Then we heard shouts and I could see the other little twerps, right on time as usual aside from Sandra and Sammy, making their way towards us. There are eight kids in all including Sandra and Sammy of course. Larry, a kid who has extreme OCD, basically a total neat freak and his younger sister Janey who is not as OCD as her brother, but she is always sanitizing her hands. Lacey a sweet looking little girl, but a total spoiled brat whose just as selfish and self-centered as her god-awful parents and her twin brother Tracey (why they gave him a girl's name I have no idea, but I guess they were trying to match their kid's names together, which if you ask me is really lame), he's a kid who is even more of an egotistical jerk than the popular annoying kids at my school, probably just bitter because of his name (honestly, sometimes I feel a little bad for him, but then I remember how much of a jerk he is). Lydia, another sweet looking girl with geeky glasses and tons of allergies (some that she, the prissy little princess, can't even name!), she's also a know-it-all who's always correcting people's grammar including my own and I'm older than her, and her younger brother Dustin who is a cute looking little boy, at first, but as soon as he opens his mouth all you hear is a bunch of filth, his parents should have washed his mouth out with soap; I mean no seven year old cusses that much or at all and he acts really rude to everyone. I never understood why all of these kids have such awful names, didn't their parents think about giving them more modern names instead of scarring them for life.

"Hey Josh," they all greeted with artificial enthusiasm, thinking they could all fool me with their falsified happy voices and smiles that looked like they had been plastered upon their disdainful faces! The only person who has ever been genuine with me is Sandra, which is why I only appreciate her out of the spoiled bunch. Well I guess the adventure of the summer begins with the same kids and their many problems. "Hey guys, how is it going?" I asked with no hint of ingenuity betraying my voice to how I truly felt about the situation and the kids. I think they all already know just how much I despise them as I know how much they must despise having to spend time with me. They, like me, were forced by their parents to spend time with me because I'm still signified as their 'babysitter' as far as their parents are concerned. Those parents always say they come here to vacation with their kids, but truthfully they come here for their own pleasure so that they can spend some time alone together. Which as far as I'm concerned is just sick and wrong for adults to be engaging in those types of activities especially at their age even if they're more in their mid-thirties and they're really not that old. I hate them for depositing (or rather dumping) their children on me just so they can spend time together. While I can't even have any alone time with Sandra.

Fuck it, I'm going to make this summer better than my other crappy summers. Those parents can just suck it, I'm going to make this summer a summer that those little twerps will never forget and they will regret ever coming here and bothering me during my summer vacation. I'm going to start with focusing my attention on Sandra, by teaching her how to surf even if the other kids are opposed to it. It's not fair that the adults think they can screw each other while I'm stuck babysitting their pathetic children, it's more like they screwed me over. I'm just going to have to teach those adults and their deplorable and not to mention snooty children that they can't mess with my last summer before heading off to college. Their rich asses won't even know what hit them when I'm done ruining their summer because I'm sure as hell done with them ruining mine!

Nightmare Lane

He walked along the cold, dark and desolate corridor searching blindly for the door that would lead him to freedom from the nightmare that is his life. Always being kept in the dark had done it's damage to his sanity. "Fuck, where's the god damn door," he yelled in fury and frustration. Then finally he found the doorknob and started to turn, but then he woke up finding that it was a nightmare after all. He awoke to a shaft of light shining down upon his face coming through the window next to his bed. He looked at his clock and wondered how long he had slept.

Afraid of getting anymore nightmares, he had started consuming more and more amounts of coffee to keep himself alert which resulted in him becoming an insomniac. It had been a long time since he had gotten such a good night's sleep which of course, to his chagrin, had resulted into another nightmare. Due to the lack of sleep, he had become angrier through the weeks and he had started to distance himself from his family and his friends. He had accumulated a ton of messages from his family and friends expressing their concern for his changes in behavior. 'I might as well humor them and listen to what they have to say,' he thought to himself. He decided to just listen to one since there were so many. "Danny, hey it's me Jason, your parents are here with me and we really need to talk to you about your insomnia, call me back when you get this, we're really worried about you," the message finished. Jason, one of Danny's best friend; they had grown up together and known each other since they were still in diapers. Jason really couldn't understand what was wrong with Danny, for he wasn't there none of them were.

Danny recalled the day as if it had happened just yesterday... It had started like any other, he got up and took a shower, brushed his teeth and ate his usual breakfast bacon and eggs with the some orange juice. He grabbed his keys, threw on his leather jacket and headed off to work at the music store. He had always hoped that some day he would become a huge musician himself instead of selling CDs of other famous singers and bands. He didn't know then how badly his hopes would be shattered on that fateful day. The store was located at the back of an alley. As he walked through the alley he felt a hand grab the back of his shirt and he felt the sharpness of an knife jabbing him in the back. An instant chill went up his back as he broke out into a cold sweat feeling a little nauseousness mixed in with dread like he would pass out at any second. He forced himself to stay alert and face his captor.

The man turned him around slowly and Danny looked into the cold dark eyes that were like two black coals of the man. Danny could feel the anger and tension of the man as he was sure the man could feel and smell Danny's fear that was surely radiating off his body. The man gave off a sinister smile as he sized Danny up and looked at him as if he were a piece of meat. "Oh, I'm gonna really enjoy this," he said gruffly and laughed wickedly. "What do you mean?" asked Danny with the fear apparent in his voice as he tried to sound as brave as possible. "I mean this," said the man as he grabbed Danny and shoved him down on the ground. The man force himself on top of Danny; "now don't be such a pussy about this asshole," he said close to Danny's ear as he pulled open Danny's belt and forcefully pulled his pants off and his boxers. He started pulling down his own pants, "now be a good little kitty and keep your mouth shut, got it," he said half expecting Danny to answer. "Get your fucking hands off of me you pervert," Danny said and as soon as he uttered those words he knew he should have just kept his mouth shut like he was told to. The man brought out his knife again, this time using it to make a scar on Danny's dick, but making sure not to make the cut to big. "I'm sure no one is going to be seeing your dick for a long time, am I right?" asked the man as another sinister laugh escaped his lips. He began repeatedly violating Danny as Danny desperately tried to hold in his tears and whimpers of pain. The sadness was overwhelming, he could still feel the penetration and all of the horrible things that the man had done to him.

Danny had already decided he wouldn't tell anyone about what had happened to him that day when he hadn't shown up for work. That was also the day he started getting the nightmares of being in the dark and not being able to find his way out like he was back in the alley again. He was going to take the secret to the grave even if it killed him. Depression and anger seemed to envelope and consume him as he started to feel like he was being suffocated from everything around him. Then one day Jason finally decided to confront him about what was going on with him and why he wasn't returning any of the calls that people kept sending him. Danny broke down and told Jason all that had happened on that day as Jason gave him a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. "I'm so sorry Danny, but you should have told your family and me immediately instead of keeping your feelings bottled up for so long," Jason said. "I know, but I was ashamed of myself," Danny replied through sniffles. "You have no reason to feel ashamed, this wasn't your fault, it was that asshole's fault," Jason said with anger. "I know that man fucked up my life in more ways than one, I can't even sleep without having another nightmare," Danny said. "You need to tell your parents what happened their worried too," Jason said.

Danny told his parents and they gave him as much support as he needed to get back to normal. He was starting to get his sleep patterns back without the nightmares and slowly get over the awful incident. A few years later he met a woman and a year later he was married and they had a child coming on the way and he couldn't have been more happier to finally move on with his life. He would make sure to protect his own child from harm and keep his wife happy.

Bucket List

1. See the seven wonders of the world
2. learn to swim
3. visit all of the famous landmarks (such as the leaning tower of Pisa or the Colosseum)
4. join a sorority
5. go skydiving
6. attend a college party
7. go paragliding
8. attend a concert on campus
9. travel the world on a hot air balloon or at least ride a hot air balloon
10. get good grades
11. revisit Europe (hopefully visit home stay family again)*
12. make sure not to be late for any of my classes for all of the years to come
13. visit India again and ride an elephant
14. wake up on time and not be lazy
15. meet the people from The Buried Life and help them with their bucket list
16. keep up with homework
17. learn how to play the guitar and learn how to read music notes
18. move out of Virginia and live somewhere else
19. get a dog someday
20. go jogging at night through my neighborhood again with my family
21. go to the gym regularly
22. visit the Cayman islands and the Caribbean
23. take a long road trip anywhere or everywhere
24. see Niagara Falls
25. go kayaking
26. after learning how to swim go scuba diving
27. go para sailing
28. graduate from college
29. meet more new people
30. have more chances of learning new languages
31. Go to the CN Tower located in Toronto, Canada and possibly do the EdgeWalk
32. Go to Glass Beach in Fort Bragg, California. A protected part of MacKerricher State Park.
33. See the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) and the Aurora Australis (Southern Lights)
34. Go to Holiday World and Splashin' Safari (a holiday themed amusement park ) located in Santa Claus, Indiana

* I was on a people to people trip to Europe before my senior year in high school last summer and we had home stay families whom we stayed with for a few days in Germany as well as go to school with the children and I would like to visit them again. My home stay family only had one child and she was only a year younger than me in her sophomore year. I also met her friends including some hot guy friends. Why are guys in Germany so much more hotter than the guys here? It's a mystery.