Death of a Gurl

Walking in your shadow

it looms larger than life 

You say I can beat this 

You tell me to fight. 

When it crumbled to pieces 

I could not stand. 

At my darkest hour 

You refused to give me light. 

The mirror became my enemy 

I struggle to exist 

under Your thumb. 

The battle is fraught, 

everyone feels like an adversary. 

You say I can trust You 

You instigated the rage. 

I wish I could murder You 

that would be mercy. 

You lay down your weapons 

I will hang Your noose. 

I will bury You 

You will not be remembered 

You will not be mourned. 

I can stop wishing 

You were never born.

Transformation

Hair getting shorn

finally feel 

like I am coming into my own 

So close 

to tasting testosterone 

That first shot 

is going to be 

my liberation 

free from the shackles 

of being the wrong person 

Imagining my life whole 

flat chest 

the right name 

shirtless on a beach 

my toes cool in the water 

Completely free

Disorientation

I'm floating in the ocean
wave after wave
assaulting my senses
depriving me of breath

What does it mean
to be blue or pink
suffocating from your
fucked up perceptions

Who am I supposed to be?
Forced to be pink
screaming out "I'm blue!"
the ocean drowns out my sorrows

Cyan waters engulf me
suppressing my shouts
disorienting thoughts
dissipate into the sea

The last words die out
on the tip of my tongue
choking on the brine
losing the fight

Fade

You left your mark on me
  the ink on the page is fad i n g  o u t
    drinking the bitter poison
         of my agony

     Your face gleefully shines
      a stark contrast
   compared to mine

Pieces of my heart
 falling apart,
  dodging minefields,
    stepping on shattered glass

   The past is in the past
     You’ve moved on
    I’m still riding
  this wave of e m o t i o n s

So I close the door
  to you

forevermore

Drifting

Drifting in and out of consciousness
the water buoys me
exhaustion starting to take over

The iciness settles into my bones
feeling sodden and sullen
a dead weight in the ocean

The edges of my mind blurring
I spiral out of control
falling into a chasm of drowsiness

I cannot hold out much longer
forcing my leaden lids to stay open
hallucinating salvation

I try to anchor my thoughts
choking on the salt
gasping for air

Just as I have succumbed
my body cold and numb
the tidal waves crash onto the shore
Not adrift anymore

Distance

The firelight dances behind my eyes,
as I smile with elation.
I fight through the pain
of this separation.

The distance stings like sharp knives;
there is pain hidden in your eyes.
I wish you were here by my side;
you occupy all of my thoughts.

These oceans create a divide;
barriers between us we cannot avoid.
I miss you every single day;
without you here I feel destroyed.

I love you more with every text;
you make it hard to even focus.
You leave me feeling perplexed;
You're an elusive enigma.

I imagine our future together;
growing grey and old.
The summers we would spend
laying on the sand and in the water so cold.

-To my Gorgeous Goddess

Found

There are tears in my eyes
knowing I can't have you by my side.
I would cross oceans of blue
just to be with you.

I want to put my fingers through
the ringlets of your curly hair.
You fan the flames of my desire
I need you before I perspire.

You said you didn't really like poetry,
but you tolerated it for me.
I know you still liked my poems
as you stated that they're a piece of me.

I couldn't express myself to you another way
I wanted to let you know that someday I'll be okay.
In a way you'll always be my first
but I know I wasn't your first anything.

Perhaps that's the most devastating of all,
that I lost you before I could even have you.
You found me and saved me from drowning
but even then I could never feel the warmth of your lips.

So I am giving you this piece of me
preserved in this poem.
A part of me will probably always want more
but there's another ocean out there waiting for me.


- Dedicated to Naryenfer